Hi, my name is Rebecca and I hate you all.
Just kidding . . . kinda. That only really applies to some people, mainly the people who've been making me feel like shit lately. I've been kinda quiet about it up until now, but I don't want to be quiet anymore. I don't want to allow people to walk all over me anymore. I don't want to be unappreciated anymore. I don't want to be asked for help anymore, if I'm just going to get bitched at for trying to help. I don't want to be lied to anymore. And I'm DONE being taken for granted. I've been holding back a lot of things lately, and I'm kinda over it. So now I'm laying it all out on the line. And probably, people aren't going to be too happy with me. So, I'm going to refresh your memories of something I've been saying for a while. I blog for me, not for you. Please keep that in mind if you're going to continue reading.
First of all, Missoula/Shannen/Paul Mitchell. Missoula isn't happening. I'm not moving there, I'm staying here. I had no real life plan there, but here, I do. I enrolled in the Paul Mitchell Academy, and classes start in the Spring. Shannen isn't coming here though. I don't know what her plan is. But she bailed on everything her and I had planned just because I wanted to change the location. Should I be upset? I don't really know. But, I am. At first I wasn't, but then it sunk in. Anddddd now I am. A lot, actually. I finally have figured out my life and I'm doing things to enrich my life, and she's going to stay in Havre because she doesn't think she can "leave her family". The family she's always talking about not liking. Whaaaaaatever. Aha. So, yes, I am pissed and hurt and sad. But I'm not going to let her call the shots in my life, so I'm staying here and changing my life, even if I have to do it alone.
Kelson and I aren't really friends anymore, so quit asking me about him. I have no fucking idea. We don't talk unless he thinks something I post is about him. If I text him first, it'll be maybe ten texts until the conversation dies. He's proven to me that our friendship was merely one of convenience for him, and it does suck, because I really thought he was my best friend. Apparently, I was incorrect.
And then there's Levi. Truly have no idea what the fuck is going on here, but he's off in his own little world away from me, I guess. I've been telling him for years that I was going to get him away from his dad as soon as I could. Now with me moving out of my own house within the next few months, I told him that my house would always be open, and I want him to come live with me. And he pretty much told me he's going to stay with his dad.. .
And then, I started really thinking about my dad this last week. My real dad kind of started this whole chain of events in me. The low self esteem, the abandonment issues, the fear of falling in love, the feelings of worthlessness, the way I feel easily replaced and unimportant. I've always known what happened, but I really never wanted to admit that he's the reason I'm so emotionally fucked up. I started my life out getting abandoned. My own father didn't even love me, why would I think anyone else would? It was only recently that I began to admit to myself the problems he caused me.
I've always known how his ashes were split up. My grandparents got half, and rightfully so. And my younger brother got half. . . which leaves me absolutely not even a single fucking speck. I don't have anything of my dads. I never did. When he died, it all went to Austin. I don't know who split his things up, but whoever did must have forgotten that I was my fathers kid too. I deserve SOMETHING too. My brother got our dads truck. Our dad's clothes. Our dad's everything, and half of the man himself. What did I get? Did I get anything? NO. I got nothing. I mean, I got some social security checks from the government every month until I turned 18. I got a car out of it. But that wasn't anything of his. And Austin got half of that too, actually.
So, family. Why didn't I get anything? Why didn't I get a portion of his ashes? Why didn't I get the truck my mom helped pay for? Why didn't I get any tshirts or jackets or the hat or his and my moms wedding ring? Why didn't I get a goddamn thing? Instead, some of you helped hide him from my mom and I, when you knew what he did and how much I needed him. Just because my dad abandoned me, doesn't make me any less his kid. I wish I did. I wish that I didn't have to live every day knowing that from day fucking one, I wasn't good enough. My own father didn't love me, and don't try and sugar coat things and say he did. If he did, he wouldn't have abandoned me and hid from me and never helped my mom take care of me or anything.
If you have anything of his, I would like something. It's about 13 years overdue, but I've been quiet for too long because I didn't want to offend anyone. But now that I've been thinking about it, you guys offended me. It's not like you forgot I existed. You all still talk to me. Jon & Kirk, you still even talk to my mom. So why did no one think of me when you were dividing my dad and his things? Why did none of you think I would want to someday know him, and know why he did the things he did. I can't do that if I have nothing to know him by. My mom tells me stories sometimes, but I don't know which to believe and which are nonsense, since some of them contradict one another. But you can't get to know a man through his ex-wife. That's never a good place to start. Regardless if she's my mother or not. When his things were being sold after they got divided between Austin and yard sale- did no one stop and think that maybe I would like something? Who was in charge of splitting my dads stuff? Seriously. I want someone to answer me. I want the truth. It's bad enough being abandoned by your dad, but being forgotten by your family sucks a whole lot too.
