Depression is a bitch.

Last night, I got told that I'm a pain to deal with, and that a certain person whom I thought cared unconditionally, just couldn't deal with me anymore. 

Today, for unrelated reasons, my depression has hit full force. 

I feel so alone, but I'm no longer going to anyone with my problems. 

Even if they ask. 

I'm fucking done being a burden. 

I'm done making the mistake of thinking people actually care. 

I'm alone, I have always been alone and I will always be alone. 

Someone's going to text me, and they're gonna tell me I'm not alone. Or some stupid shit that they don't mean. They just want to make me feel better without really trying. 

Well don't. 

Lying to me makes it worse. 

I don't really have many friends, so the people who are in my life mean so much to me, even if I'm bad at showing it. And you know, when these people show that they suck, it really, really, really hurts. 

I try not to show it when people hurt my feelings. 

I hate feeling vulnerable. 

I hate people having power of my emotions. 

Sometimes, I even hate caring about people. 

Because despite how much I put into relationships, it's never enough. 

Everyone wants me to be there for them when things are falling apart for them, but when I'm at the lowest I've been in years, when I was honesty contemplating suicide, I got labeled as a burden. 

Well, I'm sorry I ask for help.

I'm sorry that I tried to make myself better and that I wasn't strong enough to do it all by myself.

I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted me to be. 

I'm sorry I believed you when you said you'd always be there for me.

I'm sorry I believed you when you said you cared. 

I'm sorry I ever fucking met some of you. 

Do you guys think I want to have this depression? Do you think I want to be a wreck? No. I hate this. I hate being like this more than any of you know. I want sooooo bad to be better. To not feel the things I feel, not think the things I think. But I can't do it on my own. I'm simply not strong enough. 

Why don't I just go to the therapist and get meds, you ask? I can't afford to. My mom and I don't have insurance, and frankly we don't have money either. We both work, but cost of living is just too fucking much. We don't have anything extra for healthcare and medicine. My entire life, I've been dealing with this alone. Sometimes I've had friends who help, but was I just a burden to them too? Probably. 

Most of the time, I'm perfectly okay. But when I fall apart, I fall apart big time. However, I'm so much better now than I used to be. My fall-apart-nights are so much less frequent than they used to be. I'd like to think I'm slowly making myself better. Sometimes I really think I'm overcoming this. Other times, I'm so consumed with depression that all I can do is stay in bed and sleep and/or cry. I hate those times. I always wonder, will I get through it this time? I forget what it's like to smile and feel happy, even if I was just doing it a few hours before. 

I hate it when people tell me to "Just cheer up!" or "Just think happy thoughts!" Or even worse, "Get over it." I would absolutely LOVE it if this shit worked that way, unfortunately, it doesn't. No matter how hard I try, it's not possible to just will away a disease permanently. Unfortunately, I will always suffer from depression. I will always have days where I'm okay, and days where I'm not. I don't know how to explain to people that this doesn't make me crazy, this doesn't make me dangerous to myself or to others. I wouldn't ever hurt another person. 

As for myself? Yes, I think about it all the time. I'm constantly thinking that the world would be better off without me. I'm constantly thinking that everything would just be easier on everyone if I wasn't here. I'm constantly wondering, who would miss me? Who would care? How many friends will I suddenly "have" if I were to die? Who would pretend we've been the best of friends, when really they couldn't even tell you my favorite color? Would people even bother pretending to care or would it be just how it is now? I honestly can say I have less than five people who I know care about me. I think these things all the time, just about everynight, if you want the truth. But I won't ever act on it. I'm terrified of death. I don't want to die. I'm way too scared to. I'm not fucking done here.

I want a degree in psychology, I want to help people. Over time, I plan to open my own therapy office. I want to help people (mainly kids and teens) with no money and no insurance. I know how much it sucks to be on the verge of suicide. To feel so alone.  To not want to continue for even another minute. I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. So, I'm going to do my best to fix that. 

A lot of people, particularly kids and teens, can't get the help they need for any number of reasons. They can't talk to their parents about their problems. Their parents are stuck in that "Kids don't have real problems" mentality. Their parents don't care. Their parents think they're overdramatizing. Their parents can't afford to help them. They don't have insurance. They used up to their annual cap on their insurance. Their insurance doesn't cover mental health. And so on and so forth.  There are many reasons, but whatever the case, sooooo many people go without the help they truly need. And I want to end that. 

I'm going to open a center, kind of like a YMCA meets a shrinks office meets boys and girls club. I'm going to have things for kids to do, like an arcade. Things to do to keep them off drugs, off the streets breaking laws, out of jail, etc. I'm going to have rooms, like the YMCA does, so no one has to sleep on the streets, or wonder where they're going to sleep that night. I'm going to provide meals for the people staying there - free of charge - so no one ever has to go hungry again. And most importantly, I'm going to provide therapy, so people can get help. So no one feels alone. 

And I will do this all free of charge. So no one ever has to wonder how they'll pay for the important things, or what they'll have to sacrifice to get help. Don't ask me how I'll fund all of this, I don't know yet. But I'll figure this out. I will do this, I will help people. I will make a fucking difference. I will change the statistics of teen suicide rates. I will lower them. This isn't an "I'm hoping to" thing. This is a "I fucking will do this." 

It may be a burden for you guys to care about me, but it isn't a burden for me to care about people. Helping people gives me purpose. I will make a difference one day, doubt me and I'll prove you wrong. Support me or help me or join me, all the help I can get is welcome. But I WILL make a difference. I will change the way things are. I will, I will, I fucking WILL. 

Absolutely unrelated, but MattFuckin'Smith, that kid is amazing. I fucking love him. I told him I'd include him in my next blog, and I'm keeping my promise. . .even though he truly has nothing to do with the shitty mood that inspired this. He's fantastic. I FUCKIN' LOVEEEE YOU MATTTTTT. Even if you put penguins in a tree, I'll still make you sandwiches.<33

Missoula VS. Big Bear.

So, in typical Shannen and I style, we can't make up our minds. Do we want to live in Big Bear, California, or do we want to stick to the original plan of Missoula, Montana? Kind of a big decision, as either way, one of us is moving across the country. But which one of us? Last night, I was doing a lot of thinking, and I was weighing out the Pro's and Con's of each place.

Big Bear Pros; 

- After 8 years of mostly separation, I'd finally be really close to Levi. We'd be able to spend a lot more time together. The catch to this? Levi and I are very distant lately, and he's super busy with his work and internship, so I don't know that we really would be able to hang out a whole lot anyway.

- Closer to my family/Rachel/Katie; As much as I love the fuck out of all of the above, it's not like I'd never be able to see them again.  I mean there's planes and trains and cars and busses and shit. I mean for fucks sake, my aunt and uncle live one street over and I hardly ever seem them now.

- If I don't wanna be in the snow, all I would have to do is drive down the mountain and I'd be out of it. This is a big one for me, because I'm a pansy ass bitch. But, if I know I have that option, I'll be less likely to suck it up and deal with it, and I'd waste all my gas going up and down the fucking mountain.

Big Bear Cons;

- There's no college on the mountain. Meaning, I would have to go down 20-30 miles down the mountain and into San Bernadino to go to school. Do-able, but a hassle. Plus, San Bernadino is sketch. I hatehatehate being in Highland (the town at the base of the mountain). It's scary and ghetto. And that's for me, I grew up in this shit. Imagine how bad it would be for a small town Washington/Montanan girl! Shannen didn't like how ghetto Fallbrook was, she wouldn't like San Bernadino. We wouldn't be safe going to school there.

- I don't know that her car will pass smog. Fuck, let's be honest here. I don't even know that MY car will pass smog when it's up for registration again.

- There aren't very many jobs up there. This one's kinda self explanitory. . .

- Tourists. I'm not a fan of them, and Big Bear being a Ski Resort, there's nothing but tourists there.

- California drivers. Californians can't drive in the sunshine and especially not the rain, so what the fuck are they like in the snow. . .

Missoula Pros; 

- When I visited there, I fell in love with the city.

- It has a college, which I'm also in love with.

- Rent is about the same there as it is in Big Bear, but the houses are nicer. 

- Strangely enough, I miss having a basement. Missoula has basements.

-There's nothing more beautiful than a Montana sunrise. Seriously, that shit could turn me into a morning person. I love love love them.

- Friends. I have friends there that I made in Lewistown that I miss ever so fucking much, and I'd love to live around them again. Because the friends I made in Lewistown are quality people. Every one of them. Even people who didn't like me back then are better to me now than most of the people who claim they're my "friends" here in Fallbrook. (Katie and Rachel not included. Everyone else, yes.) Look at everything that happened between Kelsey Landers, Nikol Fulbright and I.  I had people tell me they actually thought we were gonna kill each other. When I went up to visit, I was anticipating some kind of drama, but they treated me like an old friend and seemed genuinely glad I was there. I went floating with Kelsey, and Nikol and I hung out and talked like we'd been friends forever on two different occasions. Now yes, there's still drama in Montana, and people still will argue. I'm not saying everything's perfect there. But Montanans are different. They get mad, let you know they're mad and why, and then they're over it pretty quickly. Out here, with just about everyone I've met, people get mad then stab you in the back and hold grudges forever over stupid shit. People are fake here. Flaky. They pretend. I'm sick of it. Montanans are great in the sense that they don't give a fuck about what people think. If they don't like you, you sure as hell know. The people I call my friends in Lewistown are true friends, people who I know are in my life cause they want to be. They're in my life because they like me, and because they care 'bout me. That is the kind of people I need to surround myself with.

- No Sales Tax.  You know how much money you waste on sales tax?!

- Hedgehogs are legal. I CAN FINALLY HAVE ONE.

- I feel close to my dad there. And yes, I'm aware how absolutely absurd that sounds, feeling close to a man I never knew who's been dead for 13 years. But, I'm not angry with him anymore. I want to know him for who he was. I'm finally ready to ask the questions I've wanted the answers for but been too afraid to ask.  I could visit where his ashes are spread, and I could actually learn things about him from my grandparents who live 50 miles away.

-My grandparents. Speaking of them, they live 50 miles away from Missoula. It'd be nice to be able to spend more time with them and be closer to them as well. (Plus, they've already met and adore Shannen.)

- Four seasons. This could go as both a pro or a con, actually. It just depends on my mood. xD

Missoula Cons; 

- I'll be far away from my mom and my moms side of my family. (See loophole to that in Big Bear Pros.)

- I can't escape the snow. This is bad because I'm a pansy ass bitch. However, it could teach me to NOT be a pansy ass bitch . . . we'll see.

- Out of state residence tuition. That shit's ridiculous, but there are ways around this.

- I'd be a Griz, and Kenzie and Kayla might love me a little less. Assholes. <3




So, it looks like in terms of practicality (is that a word?) Missoula wins.

God works in mysterious ways.

That's something I get told a lot. That God works in mysterious ways. Sometimes by total strangers who mean well, but more often than not, by people who know me well enough to know that I don't believe in God. Stop telling me that. That honestly is the most irritating thing a person can tell me.

After Kenzie's accident, I heard that all the time. I heard that he works in mysterious ways, and that he has a plan for everyone. Quick question though, if he has a plan for us, where does our free will come in? Do bad things happen because we use our free will and stray from his plan? Is that him punishing us for thinking for ourselves? I also get told some variation of "Well, God gives us free will and Kenzie chose not to wear her seatbelt. . ." So, was the accident just God punishing her for not wearing her seatbelt? Why didn't he punish Erika for driving 90mph down a dirt road? Why didn't SHE end up with a traumatic brain injury? She too used her free will to push on that gas pedal. Ahh, because God works in mysterious ways, right?

The other night, a friend I went to high school with (Ricky) was drinking and driving. He was doing 80-85mph and lost control of his truck and hit a tree. Totaled the truck and has a DUI and an assload of fines, but other than that he's perfectly okay. He's been Facebook-ing. These pictures are of his truck, that I took directly off his Facebook.

Ricky should not be alive, but he got lucky. Sooooo lucky. He's fine, he didn't hurt or kill anyone else. He got lucky. Now, don't get me wrong. I'm stoked that he didn't die or get a traumatic brain injury or kill anyone or any number of awful things that could have happened. But if anyone would deserve the TBI, it would be him and not Kenzie. 

Where's God with his punishment for Ricky's use of free will? Is he just gonna let this one slide? 

His friends are making light of this, saying things like (these are direct quotes from the picture comments) 

"damm what happened hulk smash your truck"

"Fuck bro it happens you'll get thru it.."

"ricky!! nooo that sucks so bad im sorry i hope you're alright. you gotta lay off the 40's for a while"

" holy shit foool...next time only drink a twelve pack haha"

The second and last one irritate me the most.

Fuck it shit happens? WHAT. This isn't something that just happens. If an animal ran in front of his car, then it'll be fuck it shit happens. But this? This is YOU WERE BEING A FUCKING IDIOT AND THAT'S WHY THIS HAPPENED. 

& "next time only drink a 12 pack" ONLY DRINK A TWELVE PACK?! First of all, when you wreck your car because you were drinking and driving and your friends tell you that next time you should ONLY drink a 12 pack, that should really be a sign that you're a fucking alcoholic. And that's TERRIBLE advice, Mr. Carlos Calsada! I went to high school my senior year with Carlos as well. . . and that kid is easily one of the most idiotic people I have ever met in all my 19 years. And that comment truly proves his level of intelligence. 

Now, Ricky's always been great to me, and I'm so thankful that he's alive and well and that no one got hurt. I'm just angry at the world for the unfairness of it all. Why did God let all of this happen to Kenzie and nothing happen to Ricky? 'cause the dude works in mysterious ways, yeah? 

Frankly, I'm real damn tired of this dudes "mysterious ways." They're why I stopped believing he existed. 

I have a friend whose name I won't mention here, but he's someone I love with my whole heart. From the time we were twelve-thirteen until recently, his home life was extremely abusive. In the beginning, I prayed and prayed and prayed that God would make it stop. And he didn't. For years my friend suffered verbal, emotional and physical abuse. Where was God then? Where was God during all the nights that my friend and I cried and begged for it to stop? Why wasn't he listening? Why didn't he do anything? Why did he just let it happen? And people wonder why my friend and I are both so anti-God now a days. 

What about the kids who are born with HIV/AIDS? There's absolutely no "free will" that they could have done and fucked up. Why does God let that happen? If he talks to soooooo many people and appears on toast and grilled cheese sandwiches. . . why can't he tell a scientist how to cure HIV/AIDS? Or cancer? Why does he let all the bad happen? 

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?

Then he is not omnipotent.

Is he able, but not willing?

Then he is malevolent.

Is he both able and willing?

Then whence cometh evil?

Is he neither able nor willing?

Then why call him God?” 

-Epicurus