Last night, I got told that I'm a pain to deal with, and that a certain person whom I thought cared unconditionally, just couldn't deal with me anymore.
Today, for unrelated reasons, my depression has hit full force.
I feel so alone, but I'm no longer going to anyone with my problems.
Even if they ask.
I'm fucking done being a burden.
I'm done making the mistake of thinking people actually care.
I'm alone, I have always been alone and I will always be alone.
Someone's going to text me, and they're gonna tell me I'm not alone. Or some stupid shit that they don't mean. They just want to make me feel better without really trying.
Well don't.
Lying to me makes it worse.
I don't really have many friends, so the people who are in my life mean so much to me, even if I'm bad at showing it. And you know, when these people show that they suck, it really, really, really hurts.
I try not to show it when people hurt my feelings.
I hate feeling vulnerable.
I hate people having power of my emotions.
Sometimes, I even hate caring about people.
Because despite how much I put into relationships, it's never enough.
Everyone wants me to be there for them when things are falling apart for them, but when I'm at the lowest I've been in years, when I was honesty contemplating suicide, I got labeled as a burden.
Well, I'm sorry I ask for help.
I'm sorry that I tried to make myself better and that I wasn't strong enough to do it all by myself.
I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted me to be.
I'm sorry I believed you when you said you'd always be there for me.
I'm sorry I believed you when you said you cared.
I'm sorry I ever fucking met some of you.
Do you guys think I want to have this depression? Do you think I want to be a wreck? No. I hate this. I hate being like this more than any of you know. I want sooooo bad to be better. To not feel the things I feel, not think the things I think. But I can't do it on my own. I'm simply not strong enough.
Why don't I just go to the therapist and get meds, you ask? I can't afford to. My mom and I don't have insurance, and frankly we don't have money either. We both work, but cost of living is just too fucking much. We don't have anything extra for healthcare and medicine. My entire life, I've been dealing with this alone. Sometimes I've had friends who help, but was I just a burden to them too? Probably.
Most of the time, I'm perfectly okay. But when I fall apart, I fall apart big time. However, I'm so much better now than I used to be. My fall-apart-nights are so much less frequent than they used to be. I'd like to think I'm slowly making myself better. Sometimes I really think I'm overcoming this. Other times, I'm so consumed with depression that all I can do is stay in bed and sleep and/or cry. I hate those times. I always wonder, will I get through it this time? I forget what it's like to smile and feel happy, even if I was just doing it a few hours before.
I hate it when people tell me to "Just cheer up!" or "Just think happy thoughts!" Or even worse, "Get over it." I would absolutely LOVE it if this shit worked that way, unfortunately, it doesn't. No matter how hard I try, it's not possible to just will away a disease permanently. Unfortunately, I will always suffer from depression. I will always have days where I'm okay, and days where I'm not. I don't know how to explain to people that this doesn't make me crazy, this doesn't make me dangerous to myself or to others. I wouldn't ever hurt another person.
As for myself? Yes, I think about it all the time. I'm constantly thinking that the world would be better off without me. I'm constantly thinking that everything would just be easier on everyone if I wasn't here. I'm constantly wondering, who would miss me? Who would care? How many friends will I suddenly "have" if I were to die? Who would pretend we've been the best of friends, when really they couldn't even tell you my favorite color? Would people even bother pretending to care or would it be just how it is now? I honestly can say I have less than five people who I know care about me. I think these things all the time, just about everynight, if you want the truth. But I won't ever act on it. I'm terrified of death. I don't want to die. I'm way too scared to. I'm not fucking done here.
I want a degree in psychology, I want to help people. Over time, I plan to open my own therapy office. I want to help people (mainly kids and teens) with no money and no insurance. I know how much it sucks to be on the verge of suicide. To feel so alone. To not want to continue for even another minute. I don't want anyone to ever feel that way. So, I'm going to do my best to fix that.
A lot of people, particularly kids and teens, can't get the help they need for any number of reasons. They can't talk to their parents about their problems. Their parents are stuck in that "Kids don't have real problems" mentality. Their parents don't care. Their parents think they're overdramatizing. Their parents can't afford to help them. They don't have insurance. They used up to their annual cap on their insurance. Their insurance doesn't cover mental health. And so on and so forth. There are many reasons, but whatever the case, sooooo many people go without the help they truly need. And I want to end that.
I'm going to open a center, kind of like a YMCA meets a shrinks office meets boys and girls club. I'm going to have things for kids to do, like an arcade. Things to do to keep them off drugs, off the streets breaking laws, out of jail, etc. I'm going to have rooms, like the YMCA does, so no one has to sleep on the streets, or wonder where they're going to sleep that night. I'm going to provide meals for the people staying there - free of charge - so no one ever has to go hungry again. And most importantly, I'm going to provide therapy, so people can get help. So no one feels alone.
And I will do this all free of charge. So no one ever has to wonder how they'll pay for the important things, or what they'll have to sacrifice to get help. Don't ask me how I'll fund all of this, I don't know yet. But I'll figure this out. I will do this, I will help people. I will make a fucking difference. I will change the statistics of teen suicide rates. I will lower them. This isn't an "I'm hoping to" thing. This is a "I fucking will do this."
It may be a burden for you guys to care about me, but it isn't a burden for me to care about people. Helping people gives me purpose. I will make a difference one day, doubt me and I'll prove you wrong. Support me or help me or join me, all the help I can get is welcome. But I WILL make a difference. I will change the way things are. I will, I will, I fucking WILL.
Absolutely unrelated, but MattFuckin'Smith, that kid is amazing. I fucking love him. I told him I'd include him in my next blog, and I'm keeping my promise. . .even though he truly has nothing to do with the shitty mood that inspired this. He's fantastic. I FUCKIN' LOVEEEE YOU MATTTTTT. Even if you put penguins in a tree, I'll still make you sandwiches.<33
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