The harder you fall, the higher you bounce.

It's been an extremely long nine years, but I think I've finally overcome my depression.

Two or three weeks ago, I had this dream. In my dream, I was walking around this huuuuuuge house with my friends Matt and Garrett, and some other people I don't remember. Garrett was going to rent out rooms in this mansion to Matt and I. Matt and Garrett hit it off pretty well, and while they were talking I decided to give myself a tour of this house. There was a big black dog in one of the rooms, and it apparently didn't want me there. So this dog chased me around the house, until I came to this staircase. The doorway to the staircase was extremely small though, doggy door sized.  And out of nowhere comes Matt, and he's like, "You don't have to go through the doorway like that." And he kicked the fucking wall down and we walked up the stairs normally.

I've had a lot of dreams like that, where the stairs are closed off by this horribly tight space and I always struggle to get through the doorway for a while before I give up. Everytime, a voice says "You let it consume you. You're not this." Dreaming of tight enclosed spaces means that there's something in your waking life holding you back and restricting you from achieving your goals. I never understood it til that morning, but I think my depression was what was being represented.

When I woke up that morning, I was free. I didn't just feel free, I was freed. I felt lighter, happier, I felt like the weight of the world wasn't on my shoulders anymore. I had gotten so used to waking up and feeling the weight of everything bearing down on me that I simply didn't notice it anymore. Not until it was gone, at least. I had forgotten what it felt like to be genuinely happy. What I thought was genuinely happy, it would only last for a few hours or days at a time. I'd have extreme highs and extreme lows. I'm not sure if I'm bipolar. Sometimes I think I could be, other times I think that I'm not, because I don't have enough symptoms. Anyway, my life has drastically improved. My sleeping schedule is normal. I don't know how it happened, but for the first time in years, I'm asleep before midnight, and willingly wide awake long before noon.

I've also stopped taking people in my life for granted. It's become habit to say that I don't have friends. And that isn't true. I have friends, I just don't have nearly as many as I used to. But the people who are in my life, they're quality fuckin' people. I absolutely have the best bestfriends ever. I do want to dispel some crap about my friendships with Shannen and Rachel.

Shannen first. Sometimes, she annoys me. So what? That doesn't mean I don't love her. Yes, her and I didn't get along in the past. But that was like six months ago, get over it. Sometimes I get frustrated by her inability to make a choice, but not because it effects my life. I get angry because it effects the life of someone else I care about. So when I hear that I shouldn't be friends with her anymore because sometimes she irritates me, I get annoyed. I'm SO sick of hearing that. Why should I give up on Shannen? She has absolutely NEVER done anything negative to me. She's never done or said anything to hurt me. She has never done or said anything against me. She doesn't put me down. She doesn't have even the slightest of negative effects on me directly. In fact, as far as friends go, she's one of the best I've EVER had. So what if she can't stick to a decision. That doesn't make her a bad friend to me. That doesn't make her crazy. That doesn't make her a negative influence in my life. That doesn't make her someone I'm going to walk away from. If we're talking about how she treats me directly - no one else involved, just her and I - she is exactly what a best friend should be. I wish more people in the world were like her. Shannen betters my life, and so NO. I will not stop being friends with her. If my friendship with her causes problems in your life, you should reevaluate your priorities. Your opinion of Shannen will not change my opinion of her, especially if you've never actually met or talked to her or even tried. It's no ones fault but your own for not knowing her on the same level I do. Betcha if you did, you'd love her as much as I do.

Rachel. Yes, we don't fight. No, that doesn't mean we don't annoy the fuck out of one another. After three years and way too many extremely nasty fights, her and I have worked out a system. If she gets mad at me, or I get mad at her, we stop talking for as long as it takes to simmer. Her and I both know that our tempers and our stubborn always-have-to-be-right personalities don't always click. Absolutely nothing gets solved if we fight. All that happens is we make matters worse and we destroy one another. That's no way to behave if you want to keep a friend. So yes, we will stop talking. Rather it be for minutes, hours, or even a few days, we've been doing this for almost two years and guess what? Haven't had a single fight. Our friendship is stronger than ever. Rachel and I are about as opposite as two best friends can get. We are NOTHING alike, and that's GREAT 98% of the time. But sometimes it does cause problems. Her and I grew up in entirely different worlds. I don't understand what it's like to live the way she does, and she doesn't understand what it's like to live the way I do. Everything about us is different. Our families, our faith, our hobbies, our friends, our clothes, the way we do our makeup, just literally everything. Things that are important to her are the last thing on my mind, things that are important to me are the last thing on her mind. She's extremely Christian, and I'm extremely unsure what the hell I believe in. I hate it when people pray for me, but she's like "fuck you, I'm doing it anyway." I understand why she does it, and I do appreciate her caring. I really do. She wants me to believe and go to heaven with her. If the situation were reversed, I would do the same thing. Unfortunately for her, I'm too stubborn. And I don't want to believe. I know she worries about me, and I just get annoyed. I'm ridiculous. So I get frustrated that she thinks she's going to change my mind, she gets frustrated that I won't change my mind, and that's just that. The other night, we got annoyed with one another for this exact reason. We got annoyed and didn't talk for a few days. Today, we had a deep talk and everythings back to normal. This is how we work. Yes, sometimes I want to punch her. But even then I still love her. I know how when we're angry with one another, we both act like we don't give a fuck about our friendship. But after three years and working as hard as we did to get to where we are now, we're not going to give up just like that. This girl and I have some ugly things in our past, and some skeletons in our closet that I really wish didn't happen. But our awful past makes me appreciate her now that much more.  I know how much it sucks not having her to run to with every weird little thing that happens to me. I know how much it sucks without her in my life. I never want that to happen again. Yeah, she was a bitch when she was sixteen. She said and did really awful things. But what you all seem to forget is that I'M JUST AS GUILTY. Our fights were never one sided. It was NEVER all her. It takes two to fight, so when I say we fought, it was both of us. Now I could understand if I said she bullied me and I never fought back. But that was never how it was. In fact, I started some of those fights. But, she saved my life. She has stood by me through so much. She's held my hand and walked alongside me through every step I took to better my life, and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate her for that. She gave me a second chance at life. If you don't know that story, don't judge her. A lot of the time, she's been all I've had. And no matter how much of an asshole I've been to her, she still loves me the same. Sixteen year old rachel sucked. Sixteen year old me sucked. Her and I are entirely different people now. We've both grown up and matured, and we are not who we were when we were sixteen. (Thank god.)

The moral of those two insanely long paragraphs, Shannen, Rachel and I all get annoyed. None of us are perfect. None of us are fault less. But, I love them, and they love me. And when you love someone, you put up with whatever bullshit is thrown at you, every demon that chases them, every good day, every bad day and every bad day inbetween. Most friends these days give up on one another when things get rough, but I'm so blessed to have Shannen, Rachel, Levi, John, Katie, Kelson, Leon and Seejay by my side through everything. I may not have many friends, but the friends I do have mean everything to me.

Things with my family were a little rocky for a while, but I think a lot of it was just me overthinking things. Ever since my life kind of changed after that dream, everythings been better with my family. Everything is the way it should be. This morning I woke up early and had coffee and just sat and talked with my Gramps. Last night I stopped after work and got my mom dinner because more often than not she doesn't get time to eat at work. The little things really make so much of a difference.

This whole thing has really opened up my eyes. I have a great life. I'm surrounded by wonderful people that I love to the ends of the earth. I'm not alone. I don't have to face anything alone. Nothing will defeat me.

I'm on a mission to change my life even more. Rachel's getting healthier and working out more, and she's also been working on her faith and she's a lot happier. I'm jealous. I've been trying to eat healthier and be healthy too. I've got 90lbs I want to lose, I just need someone to kick my ass when I start to slack. Mel and I are gonna start working out more, and I'm thinking about getting a personal trainer too. I need someone to help keep my ass in gear. I want to change my life, and I'm even willing to listen to what Rachel has to say about her religious stuff. I'm not saying I'm going to believe or anything, I don't know what is going to happen. But unless I try, I still wouldn't know what would happen. So, I'm going to give it a chance. Rachel's been right about what I need to better my life before, she's probably right about this too.

My self reinvention has started, and I'd like all the support I can get. (: