Divorce questionnaire for Shelby.

1. As a child of divorce, did you find yourself generally angrier than not while growing up? Did this emotional struggle affect your relationship with your peers (friends, other siblings, relatives, etc. Even parents)? Please describe. .

My mom and my real dad divorced before my first birthday, and when my real dad left, he never looked back. That caused a lot of problems for me growing up; I was always angry at him, and because of teasing from other kids on the playground, I started to feel unworthy of anyone's love, because "if my own dad didn't love me, why would anyone else?"  as they would tell me. Growing up, I believed that. When my mom started dating my would-be stepdad when I was 13, I didn't want to give him a chance because of the things my real dad did. I blamed him for things he didn't do, and hated him for things that were done by another man, twelve years prior. I was afraid to let my stepdad in because I was afraid that he would abandon us just like my dad did, and lo & behold, he did in 2010. (Since that's the divorce that effected my life the most, I'm using that to answer the rest of the questions) After that, I got angrier. I hated him and his whole family. He had made promises to my mom and I that things were different with him than my real dad, and he wouldn't hurt us. I was angry at him for saying those things, I was angry at him for moving me away from my school and friends and to a different state twice in one year, I was angry at him for not loving me (even though I never wanted to love him), I was angry at him for what he did to my mom, I was angry at myself for having started to believe things would be okay before he upturned everything again.

2. Since most parents are quite busy dealing with their own end of the situation, the children involved tend to be forgotten about emotionally. ( Parents also generally do not know how to handle the trauma that their child is facing because of this event.) If you felt in any way that you were emotionally neglected during the time leading up to/during the divorce, please describe. 

Between the January that my stepdad announced he wanted the divorce and the June that my mom and I left Montana and our family, I pushed everyone away. I didn't want to let them in, so I think I emotionally neglected everyone in my family. I tried to be there for my mom, but I was angry at her for letting it happen, even though it was my stepdad's fault. After my mom and I were headed back to California, we both fell apart. She was the worst, and I was too busy putting up the I-Don't-Care front, so I was holding my mom together. During the first few months, I wanted to rebuild the relationship with her that my stepdad had damaged, and I tried to open up to her. Anytime I would talk to her about my problems dealing with the division of my family & the second complete upheaval of my life in one year, she would twist it around to her. She never wanted to acknowledge that I was having some difficulty too, just her, she was the only one allowed to be upset in her mind, and my purpose was to make her okay again. 

3. When looking towards your future, did you feel that you were lacking the structure to determine any ambiguous goals? (Career, relationship, life in general, etc.) Please describe..

YES! It's been driving me insane. I have no idea what I want to do with my life, career wise, where I want to live, anything. I don't even have the desire to keep friends much anymore. I don't feel any drive to strive towards anything anymore.

4. Growing up, were you a rebel? (More than the average teen). Did you ever take to alcohol or any other substance to numb the pain? Please describe..

Yep. After the split, the move back to California, and my mom's emotionally shutting me out, I started sinking into a really, really, really dark place. My friends introduced me to ecstasy with the promise of "it'll make you feel better, so much better. You won't even remember you're sad for hours." And that just sounded like the greatest thing ever. So I tried it, and their promises didn't do the pills justice. I became hooked. I would lie, and steal, and be a complete asshole to anyone who tried to get between me and the next time I could get some ecstasy. I didn't care about anything but finally being happy, even if it came in the form of a ten dollar pill and was temporary. 

5. In the relationships that you have experienced since the divorce, have you found yourself more cautious when choosing your partner? (Whether it be friends, lovers, etc.) Have you found yourself unsatisfied with the people that you choose to spend your time with? Are the people that you have been/are spending your time with also children of divorce? Please describe..

Yes, very much. I'm so much pickier with everyone. I've put up ridiculous walls, and don't like letting new people in. I have this fear of letting new people in; that I'll get close to them and get attached and they'll just up and leave & never look back just like my real dad, stepdad and step-brothers did. The people I hang out with are from all different family backgrounds. I have some friends who's parents have been married forever, some who's parents are divorced, dead, in prison, I haven't been specifying like that.

6. What is your view on marriage?

I think that if you're going to make that kind of commitment, you should stick to it. You should be absolutely 100% sure that no matter what happens, the person you're saying those vows to is the person you want until the day you die. 

7. Was the relationship between your parents’ low conflict or high conflict? (Were you surprised by the divorce, or did you see it coming?) Please describe.. 

My parents were ALWAYS fighting. In the four years they were together, I think that they would fight more than they would have civil conversations. My step-brothers and I just figured that that's the only way they knew how to talk to one another. Anytime my stepdad would get pissed off, he would threaten to divorce my mom. All. The. Time. Even before they were married, no joke. So when he dropped the bomb in January 2010, none of us believed him. We genuinely thought it was just another one of his threats he threw out there when he was pissed off. . . until three days before their anniversary in March when he went to the courthouse in an attempt to get the marriage annulled. When they told him that his time frame was up, he brought home actual divorce papers and hung them on the fridge. That's when we knew he was serious, and even though he would threaten it all the time, we knew he meant it that time. We were all surprised.

8. How is your relationship with your parents now? Please describe..

My mom and I are great. The divorce ruined who she was, but she's since rebuilt  herself into a much better person. She's less stressed and a lot nicer to me. My stepdad and I don't have a relationship, he could die tomorrow and I would probably smile, in all honesty.  

9. What is your view on divorce? Please describe..

Divorce is so awful. No one gets out unharmed. Everyone tries to one up each other on hurting one another to hide their own hurt. The people you used to depend on to make everything okay are suddenly the cause of your pain. Especially the kids. Everyone hurts.