Liar, you'll pay for your sins.

So, it's recently been brought to my attention that Travis, my ex-step-dad is spreading rumors around Lewistown about my mom. You know, perhaps I was just being silly, but I assumed that a repeat divorcer in his late 40's would know how to break up like a mature adult. Ahhhh, in a perfect world, right?

Now, according to the rumors, the divorce happened because my mom cheated on him. That's NOT what happened. For reasons I may never understand, she loved Travis.  We may have had our problems as a family, but my mom never quit trying and more importantly she never stopped loving him or us kids.  Our dysfunctional little family was everything to Mom. So, why would she do anything to jeopardize that? She WOULDN'T.

What REALLY caused the divorce? Travis and the whole goddamn Ridgeway family is batshit insane. His mom, Marie, is always behaving like she's the victim - When we first moved into our Lewistown house, my mom made a comment about the kitchen cabinets IN OUR HOUSE needing to be cleaned. Some how this broad twisted that into my mom said that she's not welcome in our house and Mom doesn't ever want her to come over. How the fuck she got to that conclusion, my mom and I still to this day don't understand. But Marie threw a fit, and cried and cried and cried until my mom apologized to her and told her she's welcome to come to the house. This lady is in her 60's. Travis's dad. . . well. I'm sure if you know me you've heard the "prayer circle" story. This man thinks he's a prophet. Growing up in southern California, mom and I never had a basement. So when we first moved to Montana, we were freaked out by the basement in our house. It looked like a horror movie setting. Travis made fun of us for it in front of his parents one day, and his dad lost his shit. He told us that contrary to popular belief, fear isn't a normal human emotion. It's a demon. Mom being mom wasn't thinking before speaking and she made a comment about having more demons chasing her by the coattails than she'd like to know about. I thought Travis's parents were going to have a heart attack. They made us hold hands and have a prayer circle as they attempted to "pray the demons out of us." Clearly, mission failed. Travis also has an uncle who will go to restaurants and get under the table and bark like a dog and eat his food on the floor, and another uncle who's institutionalized, though no one would tell us what for.

Family history of no personality, no sense of humor and mental instability aside, my mom still loved that man and stood by his side. Even when he would have a temper tantrum, smack his hands over his ears and scream  "LALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" until he turned red, my mom still put up with his shit. Clearly the lady is a trooper.

Eventually his parents decided that Mom and I weren't "holy" enough, and since Travis is a little bitch, he couldn't stand up for himself or us. Thus, they decided Mom and I were going back to California and Travis and his sons were moving out to the family commune in the middle of nowhere and living with his Mommy and Daddy so they could control his every move even more.

I think it's funny that they claim that WE are the bad ones. These people manipulate everyone they come into contact with, every word that comes out their mouth is a lie, they steal from their CHURCH FRIENDS, and treat their spouses like shit. But that's okay. That's what their God would want them to do, because they live their lives "through God's word" (Remember, God speaks through Travis's dad.) However, loving your family and being willing to do anything to keep the family together - THAT is what's going to send us to hell. HA.

His parents say that California is a "godless state". I must have missed the fine print under "God Is Everywhere" where it said "except California." Anyone but the Ridgeway's see that? So if my mom, myself, and the rest of California are without THAT God, then I'm perfectly okay with that. Just because we're without their God doesn't mean we're Godless.

The moral of the story here is this; If any member of the Ridgeway family tells you anything about my mom or I, don't believe it. Those people don't know how to tell the fucking truth.

Bad decisions make the best stories.

Bad decisions and I go together like. . . two things that are always together. Mondays are early days for me, and last night, I got drunk. Yeeeeeah. . . not my brightest choice, but! Freaking amazing night with Rachel, Kelson, Devin, Jimmy & Cody. :)

Gettin' groped, nbd.

Me & rach being cute, Cody playing Rockband, and Kelson's forhead.

Kelson's hand photobombing a super cute picture. :c

Favorite :D

She fell asleep cuddling a burrito. What kind of friend would I be if I didn't photograph this and post it online?

Missoula Missoula MISSOULAAAAAAA!

So, anyone who's been paying attention to my life for the last two months knows that I have my heart set on moving back to Montana. Not back to Lewistown though. To Missoula. Now, when I make up my mind and I have my heart set on something, I generally don't change my mind. Now, Missoula is important to me for so many reasons, and Shannen asked me to clarify them all. So here we go, in no particular order.

1.) It's a new life. I grew up in the same town and went to school with the same people my whole life. I only got away for one year, and I didn't want to then. But now? Now I want a new life. I want a fresh start. I don't want to be around people who know the person I once was. I don't want to be around people who don't respect that I'm not the person they did drugs with back in the day. I want to be somebody and I don't see that happening here. So yes I wanna move. And although I will be living with my two best friends, Shannen and Kelson, I will still get a fresh start. They have always been supportive of me, and I want them both in my life forever. 

2. Because my dad is from Missoula. I never knew him, so I never felt close to him. But there...there I do. I dont know how to explain the feeling. But I'm ready to know my dad. I know that sounds really weird since he's been dead for 13 years...but growing up I had a lot of answers I wanted but was too angry to ask the questions. Now, I forgive my dad for leaving. (kinda). And I wanna know why he did, what happened? Everything. And I don't just mean my moms side of the story because that has changed a few times over the years. I still talk to all my family on his side, and his ashes are spread in the mountains outside my grandparents house. I think that's the perfect place to start getting to know who my dad was. 

3.) Every motherfucking time I turn around, I'm being told I can't do this. I'm being told I'm going to fail. I'm being told I won't make it there. I'm being told that I CAN'T. and that's bullshit. Because I CAN. And the more I get told I can't, the more determined I am to prove that i fucking CAN. and more importantly, I WILL. 

You know, my aunt said the greatest thing the other day. My mom is the one fighting me on this the most. And my aunt said; "So it's okay for your mom to decide what's best for you - against everything you want - and pick up and move you across the country to be with people you can't stand because 'it's bettering your life' but when you want to decide to better your life and move away from bad influences and surround yourself with people you love, suddenly you're wrong and you don't know what's best for you. Whos place is it to decide what's best for you? Only you. Do what you need to do. I'll miss you, but I'd rather miss you and have you happy than have you here and have you be miserable. Do what you gotta do." 

So naturally my aunt is my favorite family member. 

I am going to Missoula. I will make this work. Maybe it'll be hard at first. But I know that with Shannen and Kelson by my side, I can do anything. Look how far I've come in just the last two months almost entirely thanks to them helping me at my lowest. Look how far Kelson has helped me come in the last two years. Those two are real friends. They care when I'm having a bad day. They care when I'm having a good day. They care all the time. Those are the kind of people I need in my life. Full time friends. Not halfass sometimes-I-care-but-only-if-I-feel-like-it friends. 

Missoula is happening. April 27th, 2013. It's happening. No matter what any of you say. You can either support us or get the fuck out of our way. Your call. 

The breakup.

I've really really REALLY had enough of hearing crap about Seejay and I's break up. Maybe it wasn't clear before, maybe we led some of you to believe that what happened in our relationship was your problem. Maybe we led you to believe that some of you had say in it? I don't really know what happened, but please allow me the chance to clarify this for you. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT. I'm going to post this, and that'll be the last I want to hear a damn word about it. I'm going to explain everything, so there shouldn't be any more questions.

Seejay and I met on MySpace when we were like 12. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember I liked his hair, so I friend requested him. It didn't take long for us to become friends, and eventually best friends. Somehow we figured out that the town he lives in was only an hour from where I lived. We wanted to hang out, but neither of us could drive, and neither of our parents would be willing to drive us that far to meet up with someone we met online. That's pretty much a huge thing that parents were trying to not do at this point. So, we were pretty much screwed in that department.

When we were sixteen, I moved to Montana. While I was living there, we discovered we both thought of the other as more than friends. We made plans, big plans. The minute we both were 18, we were going to move in together, go to school together and eventually open our own therapist office, but in the meantime we were going to apprentice in body mods, and open a tattoo/piercing shop. I was gonna do the piercing, he was gonna do the tattoos. But most importantly, we were going to be together. "It's a forever thing." he used to tell me. He wrote me a poem and mailed me it, and I still have it to this day. In the poem he pretty much told me how nothing else in the world mattered as long as we would end up together. I really put my all into it. And you know, looking back, maybe it was stupid. We were sixteen, what did we know about life? We shouldn't have made such huge plans, I should have known they would fail. But I was convinced I was in love with him.  And then he started dating Bianca. It wasn't exactly like he weened me off of the plans we had or anything. Nope. One minute he was mine, and the next he was hers. Completely and totally broke my fucking heart. 

And then for the next two years, I watched her destroy him every chance she got. She cheated on him constantly, emotionally abused him, and brought him down as often as she could. Bianca is probably one of the worst people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. But for some reason, he loved the bitch. I tried to get him to see how nasty she was, and he finally did, but did nothing about it. She would be bitchy on facebook and I would defend him. I'm a mouthy person, and I get defensive when it comes to people I really care about. So I can't even begin to guess the number of fights her and I got into. Eventually she got sick of it and made him choose between me and her. And, he chose her. He didn't tell me why he was leaving my life. In fact, he didn't even tell me he was doing it. I got no warning, no goodbye, not a goddamn thing. I didn't even know until I went to go post on his Facebook wall, and when I got to his page it said "Add Friend". The feeling I felt then was like someone had punched my heart up into my throat. I tried messaging him asking what the hell. No reply. I tried a few more times on Facebook, and nothing. Figuring she had control of his Facebook, I spilled my heart out in texts about how much I missed him. And he ignored them. He was out of my life for almost a year.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why he did it. However, I wish he wouldn't have given in to her. I wish he would have fought harder for our friendship. I mean, really? What was she worried about? He was going to play some of her games? Not like she wouldn't deserve it, but whatever. I forgive him, but in no way does that mean I forgot. He thinks that him leaving my life is what I don't forgive. But that's wrong. I don't forgive the way he jumped from me to her like it was nothing to him, when it was everything to me. I didn't forget the pain he'd caused me from dating her and from leaving my life. I can't forget the nights I missed him and cried, and begged him to come back to my life only to be ignored. I can't forget the heartache. I can't forget the lonliness. No, I can forgive him. But I cannot forget.

Shortly after him and Bianca broke up, he decided he wanted to be friends again. I woke up one morning to a friend request from him. And I didn't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I knew him and Bianca had to have broken up, cause he wouldn't dare speak to me other wise. I was pissed that he was only coming back to me because she was gone. But on the other hand, I was so so sooooo excited to have him back in my life. I was angry, so I let the request sit for a few hours, but eventually I caved and accepted it. He apologized and finally gave me the explanation I'd been waiting for. For the first two weeks, I kept him at a distance. I could tell it bugged him, because he wanted everything to be like he never left. But like I said, I couldn't forget. Eventually it became hard to keep him at a distance, because I simply didn't know how to be anything but best friends with the kid. Plus, I was scared he'd leave again.

Fast forward a few weeks to June 15th, 2012, at 3am. Somehow what started as a joke turned into us both admitting that we still had feelings for each other. Everything I felt for him when I was 16 came flooding back at a serious intensity. Fireworks are legal where he lives, so we had made fourth of July plans for me and two of our friends to spend the night at his house. We weren't sure how our moms would feel about said sleepover if they knew we had a thing. So, we mostly kept our relationship a secret. Our close friends knew, but our families didn't and we didn't put it on Facebook for like a month. There was never an official asking out, but as far as anyone was concerned, we were dating. He went to LA with me and Kelson when Shannen flew in on June 22nd, and that was technically the first time I "met" Seejay. We first held hands in the LA airport, terminal 6. Our first kiss was in a Wal-Mart parking lot. First date; The Museum of Death. Second date; warped tour. Third; blowing things up. Everyone was convinced we were perfect together, even us. I can't deny the feelings I felt.

And then, I went to Montana. While I was there, my life fell apart. My family decided to hate me and hurt me every chance they got, among other things that I really don't want to get into. I was emotionally destroyed. And I needed some space to put my life together. It wasn't fair to him for me to be in a relationship I couldn't put my all into. My emotional state was awful, and I could barely hold myself together. I tried to hold on to our relationship, but I couldn't. It wasn't fair to him. I told him I needed to fix my life before I worked on a relationship. And he took it personal. We fought one night, and it got pretty bad. I decided to have a beer and a half with my friends, and he totally freaked. I didn't even get drunk. We fought some more, and (after telling him) I changed my relationship status on Facebook. He ignored me for two days after that.

Any time I tried to talk to him about what was going on in my life, and go to him with my problems, he acted like he didn't care. I wanted to get through it, but I didn't want to exclude him. I knew that the events of my Montana trip changed me. And I wanted him to know who I was becoming as I figured it out myself. But he shut me out. So, I shut him out. And ever since, there have been indirect posts on Facebook from him and his family. Like I don't realize that they're about me? Come on, guys. Knock it off.

The other night, I complimented him and his family, and he got pissed off and compared me to Bianca. Naturally, I got pissed and called him on it. I said; "Next time you want to compare me to Bianca, I'd sugggest you don't. That's NOT what I was doing. Goodnight, Seejay." And he just replied "Goodnight." Didn't try to fix it, didn't apologize, and still hasn't said a word to me. This was Monday night. However, judging by his and his mom's indirect Facebook posts, and his Tumblr post today, they seem to think that I'm the one who was out of line. And to that I say, fuck this. SeeJay, this is for you;

I tried to make things work. I really, really, really did. I stuck by your side, and I waited for you through all of the shit that happened to you over the years. I still wanted to fight for our friendship even after you broke my heart. Twice. I still cared about you. I always listened to you. I never blew you off. When you came to me, no matter what hour of the night, I tried to make you feel better. ALWAYS. You said yourself that even when you weren't in my life, you  knew that you could come to me and I would try and fix things.  That's how I always was for you. And I asked you to do that for me, and that was too much to ask apparently. Quit playing the victim. Quit with your indirect statuses and wall posts and song links. The more you do it, the more I really don't want you in my life anymore.

I've made the decision that SeeJay and I won't be getting back together. I said before that "maybe we'll find our way back together, but maybe we wont. Only time will tell." Well, time has spoken. If he's going to be in my life at all, we're going to be just friends. If he's not, then he's not. Ultimately, that is up to him.  But after being compared to her, words cannot express how truly fucking done I am.

So don't tell me that "he has my heart and I know it." Because he doesn't. No one has my heart but ME. And that's how it's going to stay until someone proves to me that they deserve it. Because I'm not going to give out my heart and hope that they don't hurt me. I've done that before and look how well it worked out for me. Time to be more picky.

New beginnings.

If you read my old blog, or saw my Facebook status the other day, you'll see that I said I was done blogging.
Well, that's half true.

I'm done using the coolstoryybro one. But not done blogging. I'm doing this for a few reasons, but mainly, there are people who had access to it that I simply don't want to have access anymore.  People who've hurt me and I need to vent about but they're over dramatic and if I do, they get suicidal. People who like to hurt me. People who like to use things in my life against me. People I don't like anymore.

Plus, with everything that's happened to me in the last two months, I'm almost an entirely different person.

Now, I'm not keeping this blog completely secret. I'm not hiding it, but I'm not posting the link to Facebook either. So if you're here. . . . cool. :)

Anyway, since we're gonna be doing a class blog for English, and it'll show my blog there, a lot of people (actually everyone in that class) doesn't know me. So, a bit about myself.

-My name's Rebecca.
-I'm 19.
-Otep, Sleeping With Sirens, Anti-Flag and All Time Low are my favorite bands, but I listen to everything from Taylor Swift to Marilyn Manson.
- I like tattoos & I have two; one on my collarbone & one on my wrist.
-Psych Major.
-I really like studying serial killers.
-The museum of death is one of my favorite places.
- I want to write a book someday.
- My grandma used to be in the Mongols, a biker gang. Badass runs in the family. I'm no exception.
- I do my own hair, and sometimes other peoples too. (I'm currently repairing it, that's why it looks like shit.)
- Puns are my favorite.
- I speak in memes far more than I should.
- Spiderman > every other superhero.
- I think Aquaman is cool.
- Cheesy pickup lines are the way to my heart; the cheesier the better.
- I drive a slugbug named Winston.
- I drink too much Dr. Pepper.
- I have insomnia.
- I'm a shit texter unless I want to talk to you.
- Half my texts are fucked up by autocorrect.

Here's me & a giant dildo Rachel and I thought was funny in Deja Vu. :]