The breakup.

I've really really REALLY had enough of hearing crap about Seejay and I's break up. Maybe it wasn't clear before, maybe we led some of you to believe that what happened in our relationship was your problem. Maybe we led you to believe that some of you had say in it? I don't really know what happened, but please allow me the chance to clarify this for you. STAY THE FUCK OUT OF IT. I'm going to post this, and that'll be the last I want to hear a damn word about it. I'm going to explain everything, so there shouldn't be any more questions.

Seejay and I met on MySpace when we were like 12. I don't remember exactly how it happened, but I remember I liked his hair, so I friend requested him. It didn't take long for us to become friends, and eventually best friends. Somehow we figured out that the town he lives in was only an hour from where I lived. We wanted to hang out, but neither of us could drive, and neither of our parents would be willing to drive us that far to meet up with someone we met online. That's pretty much a huge thing that parents were trying to not do at this point. So, we were pretty much screwed in that department.

When we were sixteen, I moved to Montana. While I was living there, we discovered we both thought of the other as more than friends. We made plans, big plans. The minute we both were 18, we were going to move in together, go to school together and eventually open our own therapist office, but in the meantime we were going to apprentice in body mods, and open a tattoo/piercing shop. I was gonna do the piercing, he was gonna do the tattoos. But most importantly, we were going to be together. "It's a forever thing." he used to tell me. He wrote me a poem and mailed me it, and I still have it to this day. In the poem he pretty much told me how nothing else in the world mattered as long as we would end up together. I really put my all into it. And you know, looking back, maybe it was stupid. We were sixteen, what did we know about life? We shouldn't have made such huge plans, I should have known they would fail. But I was convinced I was in love with him.  And then he started dating Bianca. It wasn't exactly like he weened me off of the plans we had or anything. Nope. One minute he was mine, and the next he was hers. Completely and totally broke my fucking heart. 

And then for the next two years, I watched her destroy him every chance she got. She cheated on him constantly, emotionally abused him, and brought him down as often as she could. Bianca is probably one of the worst people I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. But for some reason, he loved the bitch. I tried to get him to see how nasty she was, and he finally did, but did nothing about it. She would be bitchy on facebook and I would defend him. I'm a mouthy person, and I get defensive when it comes to people I really care about. So I can't even begin to guess the number of fights her and I got into. Eventually she got sick of it and made him choose between me and her. And, he chose her. He didn't tell me why he was leaving my life. In fact, he didn't even tell me he was doing it. I got no warning, no goodbye, not a goddamn thing. I didn't even know until I went to go post on his Facebook wall, and when I got to his page it said "Add Friend". The feeling I felt then was like someone had punched my heart up into my throat. I tried messaging him asking what the hell. No reply. I tried a few more times on Facebook, and nothing. Figuring she had control of his Facebook, I spilled my heart out in texts about how much I missed him. And he ignored them. He was out of my life for almost a year.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why he did it. However, I wish he wouldn't have given in to her. I wish he would have fought harder for our friendship. I mean, really? What was she worried about? He was going to play some of her games? Not like she wouldn't deserve it, but whatever. I forgive him, but in no way does that mean I forgot. He thinks that him leaving my life is what I don't forgive. But that's wrong. I don't forgive the way he jumped from me to her like it was nothing to him, when it was everything to me. I didn't forget the pain he'd caused me from dating her and from leaving my life. I can't forget the nights I missed him and cried, and begged him to come back to my life only to be ignored. I can't forget the heartache. I can't forget the lonliness. No, I can forgive him. But I cannot forget.

Shortly after him and Bianca broke up, he decided he wanted to be friends again. I woke up one morning to a friend request from him. And I didn't know how to feel about it. On one hand, I knew him and Bianca had to have broken up, cause he wouldn't dare speak to me other wise. I was pissed that he was only coming back to me because she was gone. But on the other hand, I was so so sooooo excited to have him back in my life. I was angry, so I let the request sit for a few hours, but eventually I caved and accepted it. He apologized and finally gave me the explanation I'd been waiting for. For the first two weeks, I kept him at a distance. I could tell it bugged him, because he wanted everything to be like he never left. But like I said, I couldn't forget. Eventually it became hard to keep him at a distance, because I simply didn't know how to be anything but best friends with the kid. Plus, I was scared he'd leave again.

Fast forward a few weeks to June 15th, 2012, at 3am. Somehow what started as a joke turned into us both admitting that we still had feelings for each other. Everything I felt for him when I was 16 came flooding back at a serious intensity. Fireworks are legal where he lives, so we had made fourth of July plans for me and two of our friends to spend the night at his house. We weren't sure how our moms would feel about said sleepover if they knew we had a thing. So, we mostly kept our relationship a secret. Our close friends knew, but our families didn't and we didn't put it on Facebook for like a month. There was never an official asking out, but as far as anyone was concerned, we were dating. He went to LA with me and Kelson when Shannen flew in on June 22nd, and that was technically the first time I "met" Seejay. We first held hands in the LA airport, terminal 6. Our first kiss was in a Wal-Mart parking lot. First date; The Museum of Death. Second date; warped tour. Third; blowing things up. Everyone was convinced we were perfect together, even us. I can't deny the feelings I felt.

And then, I went to Montana. While I was there, my life fell apart. My family decided to hate me and hurt me every chance they got, among other things that I really don't want to get into. I was emotionally destroyed. And I needed some space to put my life together. It wasn't fair to him for me to be in a relationship I couldn't put my all into. My emotional state was awful, and I could barely hold myself together. I tried to hold on to our relationship, but I couldn't. It wasn't fair to him. I told him I needed to fix my life before I worked on a relationship. And he took it personal. We fought one night, and it got pretty bad. I decided to have a beer and a half with my friends, and he totally freaked. I didn't even get drunk. We fought some more, and (after telling him) I changed my relationship status on Facebook. He ignored me for two days after that.

Any time I tried to talk to him about what was going on in my life, and go to him with my problems, he acted like he didn't care. I wanted to get through it, but I didn't want to exclude him. I knew that the events of my Montana trip changed me. And I wanted him to know who I was becoming as I figured it out myself. But he shut me out. So, I shut him out. And ever since, there have been indirect posts on Facebook from him and his family. Like I don't realize that they're about me? Come on, guys. Knock it off.

The other night, I complimented him and his family, and he got pissed off and compared me to Bianca. Naturally, I got pissed and called him on it. I said; "Next time you want to compare me to Bianca, I'd sugggest you don't. That's NOT what I was doing. Goodnight, Seejay." And he just replied "Goodnight." Didn't try to fix it, didn't apologize, and still hasn't said a word to me. This was Monday night. However, judging by his and his mom's indirect Facebook posts, and his Tumblr post today, they seem to think that I'm the one who was out of line. And to that I say, fuck this. SeeJay, this is for you;

I tried to make things work. I really, really, really did. I stuck by your side, and I waited for you through all of the shit that happened to you over the years. I still wanted to fight for our friendship even after you broke my heart. Twice. I still cared about you. I always listened to you. I never blew you off. When you came to me, no matter what hour of the night, I tried to make you feel better. ALWAYS. You said yourself that even when you weren't in my life, you  knew that you could come to me and I would try and fix things.  That's how I always was for you. And I asked you to do that for me, and that was too much to ask apparently. Quit playing the victim. Quit with your indirect statuses and wall posts and song links. The more you do it, the more I really don't want you in my life anymore.

I've made the decision that SeeJay and I won't be getting back together. I said before that "maybe we'll find our way back together, but maybe we wont. Only time will tell." Well, time has spoken. If he's going to be in my life at all, we're going to be just friends. If he's not, then he's not. Ultimately, that is up to him.  But after being compared to her, words cannot express how truly fucking done I am.

So don't tell me that "he has my heart and I know it." Because he doesn't. No one has my heart but ME. And that's how it's going to stay until someone proves to me that they deserve it. Because I'm not going to give out my heart and hope that they don't hurt me. I've done that before and look how well it worked out for me. Time to be more picky.